Sunday, August 15, 2010
It's a Poop Party!!
After volunteering all day shoveling mud, I went dancing at a bar in Antigua, Guatemala. The music was loud so I had to yell.
"Hey, you want to get your poop tested tomorrow?!!!"
"That sounds like fun!!!"
Yes it does.
But my friends immediately pulled her aside as I watched her then promptly leave.
"Craig, she thought you asked her out for coffee."
Seems like I had some quick vocabulary questions for my Spanish teacher the next day.
"Do you want to test your poop?"
"That's correct, Gustavo."
"Look, I don't want to play games."
"I said do you want to test your poop."
"Very good, that is right, Gustavo."
She was obviously scared.
"You know what I'm saying."
"Yes, of course."
"I'm asking you a question, right?"
"Yes, that's right. I understand your question."
She was toying with me. She was good. But I was persistent.
"I will ask you again."
"Do you want to test your poop?"
"No, it's a question."
"Yes, that's right."
"Please stop resisting."
Things got awkward.
I should clear things up.
"Look, it's only $3 to test your poop."
The game was over. She looked defeated. She couldn't help noticing my poop testing passion.
There was a long Spanish sigh, "I suppose, Gustavo, you--"
Quickly from underneath my half completed homework, I revealed $6.
"--We...are now going to get our poop tested during class."
In the clinic I explained the plan, "...And then, at the poop party, we're all going to play trivial games with our poop results--"
"Gustavo Cachuate Bajando?"
"Oh, that's me--it's Showtime!"
Back at the hostel, I was fielding questions for my marketing of the poop lab tour.
"Results in thirty minutes!?"
Two hours later I was back at the poop lab with six eager poopers.
Our names were individual called. Our team was very supportive with raucous rounds of applause each time a member of team poop emerged proud and productive.
"Good on you, Alex!"
"That's way more than a gram, Adam."
"It looks cute!"
And, to be completely honest...it was cute. See, I had decided that before handing in my second nugget, I would personalize the process.
Now look here. If you want a corporate team building exercise, I tell you--poop testing. Look, I now have new friends for life. I know, even now, that someone is already planning our poop testing anniversary chat-room party. It's a social fact, once you have seen someone else's texture, you create an untouchable universal timeless bond.
"Whoa, player, don't even be looking at my results! You know the rules. No looking at the results until the poop trivia tonight."
Before we left, Victor, the poop lab tech, needed a word with me.
"Your friend Adam has parasites. He needs to see a doctor immediately."
"Sure, sure. But, Victor, isn't their something you need to tell me about my adorable sample?"
Like how you are going to use it for a bolo tie, how it's your new lab mascot, or how you're going to use it as a playful crayon...
To celebrate that Adam was dying, we decided to get impressive decorations for the poop party. I say, hello, poop piñata! Well, not quite, we had to make one. Adam was impressed with the details.
"It even has my parasite on it!"
Quickly the poop trivia started.
"Who can beat my starch score of 7?"
"My mucus score of 2 trumps!!"
"Whoa--there. Ace in the hole. I got a yeast score of 8!"
The big surprise of the night was that the winning poop was from the dog poop in front of the lab that I had submitted. Science.
"Craig...do you know why Mike just left?"
"Absolutely no idea."
"Well, he said you told him that the piñata had poop and peanuts in it."
"Listen to me carefully. You can not trust that guy."
For the rest of the night, we creeped out our hostel mates by beating the shit out of our poop piñata and congratulating ourselves for having very healthy pH levels with our poop.