I suffer the risk of death while you simply have to suffer my horrible grammar.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Incontinence Happens

After a long day of digging ditches in Trojes, Honduras, I awoke the next day from a dream where I had named my future kid Carpe Suburbia thinking it sounded top shelf.

Groggy, I stepped out from my bedroom and greeted Lupi, my landlord, with our now regular daily salutation, "Is there water today?"
"No, no water today, Gustavo."

Lupi then got bold, "So, you install filters with Agua Claro, right?"
"You know, we need a filter here."
"Oh, like an air filter?" I was entertaining myself.
She let it sink in that she thought I was a complete idiot before looking both ways and then confiding, "No...like a water filter. You know, like the ones you install everyday."
"Ah, the cows would like that."
Huddling up, "No, for us, Gustavo..."

Wait for it. Simmer that dramatic pause, Craig. And...yes...a little longer--now, now, now, deliver!

"Lupi don´t we need to have water first before we have a water filter?"
She was befuddled.
I was late for work.

I arrived in the work office and we all exchanged greetings.
"Gustavo is there water in your house?"
"No, no water today."

We then got down to business.
"Gustavo do you see that man in the green shirt? Wait! Don´t look at him!"
"Like directly in his eyes?" I questioned.
"No. Like don´t look at him at all."
"He´s been sent by the town´s conservative mayor."
"Oh, to help us work?"
"No. He told us to not work today or their might be trouble."
I immediately stopped watering my cows on my facebook farm and promptly typed a message in a CIA secure email form explaining that there was dramatic tension in this hotbed political region of Trojes. I can provide names.

My coworkers had a less logical reaction, "We are going wait it out here for a while."
I decided to celebrate my patriotic act by getting breakfast.
"No, Gustavo...it is safer here in the office."

I left the office and greeted the leader of the one person picket line, "Is there water in your house?"
He went for his pocket.
I kept walking.

Breakfast in Trojes was always a simple affair. Did I want beans and rice...or rice and beans? Well, today was a pleasant surprise. Seems like I had been patronizing the restaurant long enough that I got the upgrade option: Beans, rice and a long ass hair. This hair was so long it snaked itself through every possible bite of my meal. It seriously could have been used for a suspension foot bridge.

"Gustavo how was your meal?"
"Great except I found a huge hair in my meal."
The office cheered, "That's good luck!!"
I decided to immediately test this curious logic, "Oh, and...I also found blood in my stool today."
The cheering ceased and a consensus of concern was expressed by my not sarcastic coworkers.
"Whatever...it´s good luck back home." I explained.

Later we decided that my streak of good fortune, the combination of my good luck hair and lucky stool blood, still wasn´t quite enough protection to risk working this morning with an armed man pacing in front of our work truck. We arranged to regroup that afternoon.

I returned to my farm to try and figure out what was going on with my evasive water. It took me two minutes of walking around the back of the farm house to discover the problem. My house was suffering from incontinence.

In respect to the sensitivity of the subject, I pulled my landlord aside and discreetly mentioned, in Spanish, that the house had peed its pants. For some reason, she was confused. So, I had to show her.
"I´ll bring in a plumbing expert." She announced.
I couldn´t wait.

Fredy called and said he was coming over to pick me up for work.
"Fredy is it safe to work right now?"
"See you in 10 minutes."

Normally, Fredy and I work with coffee farmers. So, all day we are served and wash back coffee like it´s contraband. Which is no biggie for although we push the legal blood caffeine level limit, the coffee energizes us to work harder.

Later we returned home fully caffeinated with humming bird heart rates, chatting away, sometimes even chatting away with each other, grinding are teeth and trying not to be too regular as I was proudly yelling phrases in the future verb tense to passing pedestrians.
"Help me! I´m going to vomit!"

When I arrived back at my farm, I was excited to see that Lupi had already called the plumbing expert--her college daughter. Laying around them, they had more tubes than a bad ass hamster fort.

After a while, they ran out of ideas of how to fix the water problem. I thought I´d take the opportunity to inspire them back into action with some PVC didgeridoo serenades.

The contractor and her plumbing expert sprung back into action and fixed the solution. I then had water. I was very excited about having water as I don´t think I´d honestly showered since I flew out of the Houston airport 2 months prior.

Lupi and her daughter didn´t stick around for hugs or the shower celebration. So, I rolled off my greasy clothes and bounced into the shower alone. In complete darkness, I was, of course, overwhelmed with amusement when I turned on the long awaited water and the house electricity immediately went out.

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