I suffer the risk of death while you simply have to suffer my horrible grammar.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Mutant Island and There's a Naked Woman in my Room

Update. I am a father of two! After being frustrated that I wasn’t yet fluent in Spanish after 3 weeks, I wasn’t surprised when I found two little wax nuggets in my ear—nope—the same ear. When asked if he wanted to see something totally cool, my Spanish teacher foolishly trusted an American and answered yes. Ta-dah!

I’ve also discovered that Nicaragua is so proud of their lock-solid electricity that they like to celebrate by randomly turning it on and off in the middle of the late night. This sadly kills the fan in my hotbox windowless room. This means each new night at 4am when my lifeline fan dies, I sit in my cozy 274-Kelvin room listening to the bugs live off my cholesterol rich blood. Oh, yeah, the second update. I’ve been infested with bed bugs. Or vice-versa, as I actually might be the source.

So, logically, to celebrate my bed bug (or craig-bug) invasion, I decided to quarantine myself to the mutant island of Ometepe. Ometepe sits on a huge-ass lake and has two connected volcano islands that basically look like two cells splitting.

I landed at the ferry doc and immediately dashed for the lumbering school bus. I was heading to Charco Verde. It was dark by the time I arrived. I amused myself that I’d escaped my bed bug infestation in Granada by counting the rat shit on my new bed Ometepe.

I was then thankfully distracted by a scorpion carcass on my door. I went for a picture. The scorpion’s live body protested my proximity and scurried towards my bed. Ah, hell, no! I had another 'bigger than needed' scorpion in my room. Seriously, scorpions in my room are funny every time.

Shit, where were these scorpions in my room coming from? Now, I had to evaluate if I was not transporting the scorpions in my backpack.

Eventually after much squealing and prancing around my room, I got the scorpion into a glass. I showed my hotel staff for fun but they seem bored that I was still alive. I saw an American family with younger kids. I interrupted their game of Uno.
“You all want to see a wicked-sized scorpion?”
AKA not sleep at all?

Their first mistake was to agree to see it. Their second mistake was to agree to let their kids go with me to release the scorpion while they wore flip-flops. Oh, well.

Before laying awake in my bed worrying about scorpions crawling into my mouth, I went for a nighttime hike by a cesspool. This was cool until I realized that it’s the nighttime mosquitoes that are more likely to pass on malaria. Crap.

I went to bed but was pleased to discover that the electricity goes out in Ometepe too. Ah, just like home. So, I lay awake sweating in my bed wondering if was the heat or that I was already experiencing fever symptoms from my fast-acting malaria.

The next morning I hiked to a finca on the south island. This was a brilliant idea until I sweated off all my sun block. Sizzle. 10 kilometers later, I arrived at some finca. Seems like that finca had quite a low quota for as soon as I paid they handed me my key, turned off all the lights and then the entire staff ran away. I was actually thinking I was right starving. I was also disappointed once I realized that the key chain wasn’t indicating something erotic about my room but moreover was simply referring to my room number.

Starving, I was contemplating which pages of my lonely planet book I was going to eat when I observed mutants eating each other. See here, folks…tarantulas are scary, black wasps are scary and, wasps the size of tarantulas are double scary! Observe. Might I recommend you watch to the end? Yep.

I spent the rest of my time on the mutant island by being sure to get a new sunburn on each accessible beach on the island.

I also thought it was a good idea to grab a bull’s head, get close to a bull-sized pig and celebrated by eating an avocado the size of my head. Food!

I finished up by snapping some pictures of some classy local architecture. Nice bro’!

Eventually I left mutant island to return to my foster parents. While I was gone, it was clear that my parents had had a meeting and now considered me an adult. I was welcomed home with some new artwork in my room. Ah, I missed you too!

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